I feel down. You would think a psychology student who’s battled various mental illnesses since childhood would be able to describe how she feels better than this yet it’s all I feel capable of. It’s all I have the energy to say. I just feel *down*. Yet the down feeling isn’t deep sadness although there’s a tinge there. In some ways it’s even the feeling down that’s bothering me, it’s the feeling lost within it. Last night I was panicking for over an hour, spiralling into self-hatred because I suddenly felt like I didn’t know who I was. Who am I? It felt like everything I had believed, said and done over the past few weeks was someone else because it didn’t feel like me. Who am I? I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. Eventually I slept it off and I feel more certain of myself today, though I’ve noticed I always panic about who I am whenever I’m alone, usually at night time. It was then I remembered seeing a post from Jenny Trout listing 10 things she liked about herself while she was having a bad mental health day. I haven’t blogged in a while, I’ve barely even touched a book. I owe a few reviews on NetGalley and I dread logging on and seeing evidence of my failure to meet deadlines represented as a statistic. It’s easy to be hard on yourself, it’s hard to be easy on yourself.
So, for now, here we go. 10 things I like about myself. No ifs, buts, no following up with downsides and negatives. Just pure, 100 percent positivity. Or at the very least however much percent I could muster. Even if it’s simple and basic. Let’s do this.
- I really like my smile. I like to think that my smile, when genuine and authentic, can put people at ease. I’ve also had people tell me my smile is infectious. Usually when I see a picture of me smiling I usually don’t like it, but once enough time has gone by that’s when I really appreciate having pictures like that, because seeing my genuine happiness can uplift me as I remember that feeling.
- I can be unendingly loyal. Even at times when I’ve been at my lowest the one thing that usually keeps me going is my desire to help the people I care about. Even if we don’t talk regularly, even if our conversations are shallow, I will be there for you.
- I’m curious by nature. From the moment I began to talk I would question everything. I would enjoy hours just casually reading encyclopaedias to learn about the world, flipping through dictionaries of medication and, from the moment Google was easily accessible to me, searching online for every little question or curiosity that’d pop into my head.
- If someone has loaned me money I will always prioritise paying it back.
- I really, really love making people laugh.
- Even though I’m terrible at things like singing and dancing I actually don’t really care *that* much and do it anyway.
- I’m a pretty good mum to my cats.
- I’m decent at visualising ideas, themes and concepts.
- I feel very passionately and deeply, especially when it comes to love.
- I’ve been described as “odd” and “eccentric” and I kind of like it.
Your turn! Whether you post it in a comment, scribble it down on a post-it, tweet it or post it on your own blog, I reckon you might feel just that little bit better once you manage to list some.